he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
