She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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