She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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