You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
