Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
