i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
