Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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