i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
