The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
