His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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