Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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