that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
