mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
