You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
God I need to hump something, right now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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