I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
