I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
