I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
