I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
