Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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