every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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