Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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