I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
