were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
