Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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