for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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