how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
