It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
