I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
