he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
