I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
