I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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