can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
