I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
