Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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