Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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