accomplished twins. life is a go
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
