Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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