Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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