I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
