i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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