i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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