I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
