Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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