I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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