i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
