does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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