Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
