The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
