Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
