I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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